Beyond "Lean In" - Part III

A final look at how to rewrite the corporate feminist manifesto for working parents

👋 I write about redefining success for overwhelmed working parents. I offer practical wisdom to break society's Rules and create a life that truly fits you.

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This is the third and final instalment of my take on the new manifesto for working women (and really - working parents of any gender, because burnout doesn't discriminate).

The prevailing guidance, perfectly packaged in Lean In, told us to "sit at the table" and "make your partner a true partner". In my past posts, I've called BS on both counts.

Instead of telling women to conform to the men's version of a business table, I argued we should make the table accessible. Rather than training partners to take on 50% of the work (good luck with that!), society needs to value caregiving.

Now for the grand finale - let's tackle Sheryl's third commandment: "don't leave before you leave". You know, that well-intentioned but ultimately crushing advice about giving 110% until the very second you become a parent.

This was her final rallying cry for gender equality in the C-suite. The logic went: if women would just stop planning for theoretical future families and push themselves to the absolute limit, we'd finally crack that glass ceiling.

Spoiler alert: It hasn’t worked out that way.

Let’s dig in on why and what the Rule Breaker take is instead.

"Don't Leave Before You Leave" Explained (with a bit of sass)

In our culture, no one celebrates the person who chooses to step back (well – except tech bros who drop out of Stanford to launch their startups from their parents' garage). 

Heaven forbid you decide that climbing to the tippity-top isn't your definition of success.

Sheryl’s message was clear: keep pushing, keep grinding, keep "leaning in" until you physically can't anymore. And there was data to back it up – study after study showed women's careers hitting a wall right when they had kids. Heck, Claudia Goldin even won a Nobel Prize for proving that it's literally just procreation keeping women from the C-suite.

Adding fuel to the fire, Sheryl shared horror stories about women turning down promotions because they might want kids someday. The scandal! These women – who weren't even in relationships yet – were already limiting their professional success because they dared to structure their life today for a future that included both career and family.

The solution? Just keep pushing! Don't think about balance, don't plan for flexibility, don't even consider your future needs. Give it your absolute all... until you can't.

And I'll admit it – I fell for this hook, line, and sinker. My twenties and early thirties? One long parade of missed family dinners, raincheck brunches with friends, and "sorry, can't make it" to community events because I was focused on work. My career wasn't just part of my identity – it was the whole damn thing.

The Advice Was A Recipe For Burnout

Look, I get the good intentions. Sheryl wanted women in senior positions, and you can't make it to the C-suite if you're not in the game. Makes perfect sense... in theory.

But this laser focus on professional achievement did something sneaky: it reinforced our unhealthy obsession with money and influence while completely missing what society actually needs – to value caregiving!

Here's why this "all in until you're out" mindset sets women up for failure:

First, it's a one-way ticket to identity crisis. When you've given your all to your career and suddenly need to "leave" for kids, you're not just changing your schedule – you're dismantling your entire sense of self. I've been there: resenting nap times, feeling like a failure during playground visits, wondering how I went from quarterly presentations to quarterly paediatrician appointments.

Second, caregiving isn't a neat little "pause" you can schedule. You're "leaving" every single day. Your offspring, apparently, expect to be fed and watered multiple times a day. That carefully color-coded calendar? It's now at the mercy of unexpected school calls, sick kids, and the endless parade of activities that start at 3:30 PM. 

Finally – if you've been operating in "full throttle" mode your whole career, no one teaches you how to find "good enough" mode. That sweet spot where you can be an involved parent, maintain your professional identity, AND occasionally remember to drink water? Right now this feels like trying to find a unicorn in the corporate jungle.

The reality is that between astronomical childcare costs or not wanting to outsource everything and actually do the things required to raise children, most parents can't possibly stay "all in" at both work and home. So what happens? Women end up stepping back, trading those "greedy jobs" for roles where they can reliably leave at 4:30 PM – not because they lack ambition, but because something's gotta give.

Reimagining The System: A Rule Breaker’s Call For Change

So instead of pushing another generation to sacrifice themselves at the altar of hustle culture before baby arrives, here's my Rule Breaker manifesto for actual change:

1. Self-Care Isn't Selfish. Imagine a world where taking a midday walk isn't career suicide. Where "busy" isn't a badge of honor, but a red flag that something needs to change. With or without kids, we need to stop treating 110% effort as the baseline for professional success.

2. Design Work Around Real Life We need solutions that treat caregiving as a normal part of life, not some career-ending emergency. Companies like Balanced Good are already showing us how: they help organizations handle parental leaves like the professional transitions they are, not like inconvenient interruptions. Imagine if we had more services supporting job sharing, part-time work, or the radical idea that someone might need to leave at 3:30 PM for daycare pickup.

3. Rebuild The Village Remember when caregiving wasn't just a two-person endurance test? When grandparents lived nearby, cousins helped with babysitting, and aunts and uncles were regular fixtures in childcare? Somehow we've ended up in this bizarre reality where parents are expected to do it all alone – and when they can't, they're told to "level up" their organization skills. (Because that's definitely the problem, not the complete breakdown of community support!)

And a bonus desire for our world: flip the script on career pauses. Take Neha Ruch's upcoming book "The Power Pause" – she's showing us how stepping back from work isn't career suicide, it's a chapter in your story. (And possibly the chapter where you finally learn who you are beyond your job title!)

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Writing this series has felt like peeling back layers of a system that's not just broken – it's exhausting us all. We can keep trying to "fix" women, or we can finally admit that the game needs a complete rewrite.

I'm done playing by rules that were written for a world where caregiving was invisible and burnout was a badge of honor.

What rules would you rewrite first? What changes would make the biggest difference in your life? Share your thoughts below so other working parents can learn too.

The road to real change is looooooong. But that doesn't mean we have to white-knuckle our way through the current system until it changes.

That's exactly why I created Working Parent Reset - From Surviving To Thriving – where working parents like you are already discovering how to "challenge norms and design life on their own terms" (as Alex, a participant, put it).

You Are Enough - Join me to rewrite the rules that tell us otherwise.

Our next cohort kicks off in January, and I'd love for you to join us. You can register or reply to this email if you have qs.

Sending enoughness, 

J