Working Parent: Harder Or Easier Now?
👋 I write about redefining success for overwhelmed working parents. I offer practical wisdom to break society's Rules and create a life that truly fits you.
I love reading comments online. The wackier the better to get the “my gosh - how do people think like that” reaction out of me.
Last week, I wrote an op-ed about the US Surgeon General's warning on parental well-being, and the comments did not disappoint!
There were the usual curmudgeons who made no sense - but a lot of the convo was about whether being a working parent is harder today (and therefore worth this advisory) or we just being whiny babies.
I want to dig into that and see where we land on whether being a parent is worth a health advisory.
The Village Isn’t Like It Used To Be
A lot of commenters wax nostalgic about how the village was essential for caregiving.
"Until the early 2000s it was possible to live on one income so a parent could stay at home until their children were school age."
“While I was growing up, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles frequently stepped up to the plate to give my parents some much-needed time to themselves. Neighbours helped each other. “
“Without the phenomenon of ever[y] house in the neighborhood having a stay-at-home parent caring for kids, we lose phenomena like "kids going out to play in the street with other kids"
BUT - we can reminisce all we want - the village doesn't exist the way it used to.
Why?
We're having kids later in life. That makes grandparents older and it, on average, harder for them to pitch in with their grandparents.
People are busier. I know personally as a 20-something aunt, I was focused on my career (late nights, weekend work) or living life with travel, friends and hobbies.
Other parents are swamped. Dual-earner families doubled since 1976 which leaves less time for dropping off a casserole when you hear a fellow parent is sick.
I’m sure there are other reasons too (share them in the comments - I’d love it!) - but suffice to say, it just isn’t like it used to and we can’t change that.
Not having a village = more work for the individual parents = more stress.
While we don’t have casseroles being dropped off, we do have Zoom and can come together as working parents.
Join me and a whole bunch of other working parents on September 26!
Just Because It's Always Been Hard Doesn't Mean We Can't Make It Better
One commenter argued, "Every generation feels that they have it worst of all."
And there were others too:
"The easier that life becomes....the more people are "too stressed to function" when they encounter a bump in the road of life.”
"I was stressed raising my children, my parents were stressed raising my brother and I, my grandparents were stressed raising my parents ... I am sure parents in the Victorian age, the middle ages, ancient Rome and Greece and well before that were stressed raising kids. This is nothing new. Every generation feels that they have it worst of all.”
Here’s my retort: Just because it was bad before and still is now, doesn’t mean it’s not worth fixing.
Human society is about progressively making things better for each generation (I'm side-eyeing climate change here, but I digress...). We fixed the whole women not being able to vote thing. We tackled women being fired when they got pregnant. Now we're on to addressing other issues - like the expectations we put on caregivers to do a lot of heavy lifting for society as a whole, for free.
As I pointed out in my op-ed, "The root cause transcends policy failures. It’s a cultural issue that runs deep through our country’s veins: the systemic undervaluation of caregiving. Unpaid household labour doesn’t factor into GDP calculations. Corporate bottom lines are not directly impacted by whether employees are rested and patient parents at day’s end. As individuals, we often prioritize paid labour over caregiving, powering through the 50th work e-mail while viewing the fifth load of laundry as pure drudgery.”
Shifting what we value in society is a valid and valiant effort.
For Rule Breakers, remember: just because your parents had it hard, doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make it easier for ourselves today.
The Expectation Explosion
There is one thing that I think is fairly called out by the commenters that is up to parents to shift: Expectations.
"Kids had to be driven everywhere and to 50 activities. Kids were not allowed to walk to school."
“...buy a smaller house you can afford, use no car or a junker, stay off social media, do not feel every year you are required to travel to sunny places on the credit card and please do not give you kids everything they want -there i just reduced the pressure by 50%”
“In many families it's easier to get an appointment with a specialist than it is to set a time with grand- children. A different activity every day of the week."
“It's ok to not be perfect or have selfies from the gym or show extravagant vacations on social media, most of that is fake anyhow. It's alright to give your kid Kraft dinner once In Awhile if your exhausted, you don't have to have them in every sport, go for a walk or buy a pool pass, go to a park down the street”
They’re not wrong.
Expectations of our children and ourselves have gone through the roof. Kids don't need five concurrent extracurriculars. We don't need to be getting promotions every two years. We probably don't need all that stuff that arrived from Amazon yesterday.
Society does a damn good job of laying on thick the expectations of what a good professional and parent looks like. And trying to live up to that is impossible - only people like Sheryl Sandberg have the team of nannies and bank account to afford it.
That's where being a Rule Breaker comes in...
In my op-ed, I suggested, "Imagine deciding that it's okay to leave work at 4:30 p.m. for daycare pickup, even if it means your career progression slows for now." That's what being a Rule Breaker is all about - questioning those unspoken rules and expectations we've internalized and asking: Do these truly serve me and my family?
What rules could you break to make your life as a working parent more manageable? Share your ideas in the comments.
So, are we whiny parents or is it really harder today than before?
The truth is, it's a bit of both. Yes, we face unique challenges that previous generations didn't. But we also have the power to redefine what success looks like for us and our families.
I’ll end with a quote from what I wrote:
“Waiting for systemic overhaul is not a luxury most families can afford. We’ll know our world has been redesigned for working parents when we see Fortune 500 chief executives home making dinner for their families each night. Since that is not likely to happen any time soon, each of us can begin today by redefining success on our own terms, prioritizing what truly matters in our families and communities. By doing so, we not only improve our own well-being, but also pave the way for broader societal change.
The U.S. Surgeon-General’s warning is a wake-up call that transcends borders. Canadians should heed this advisory and create a culture where parents don’t just survive, but thrive. Our children’s future – and indeed, the future of our society – depends on it.”
Keep well,
J