Surgeon General Warning: Parenting

No joke.

👋 I write about redefining success for overwhelmed working parents. I offer practical wisdom to break society's Rules and create a life that truly fits you.

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Parenting has officially joined the ranks of opioids, smoking, and drinking while pregnant. 

The U.S. Surgeon General published an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. 

It's validating to see this official recognition, but it's also deeply concerning that it has come to this. We've managed to complicate one of the most fundamental aspects of human civilization.

Because of the significance of this advisory, I’m going to break down:

1. What the advisory says

2. What they suggest to address the issues

3. The Rule Breaker approach to thriving as a working parent

(And if you're not a working parent - this is still worth reading. Chances are you work with, are part of the supportive community of, or care about working parents. Or, you know, you're interested in the continuation of our species.)

Warning: Parenting Is Bad For Your Health

“They aren’t homeless, they are exhausted parents”

This scene from “Fresh Off the Boat" where someone mistakes exhausted new parents for homeless people is funny because it hits so close to home. 

Now we've got the data to back it up.

The US Surgeon General's report paints a grim picture of the reality of parents today:

• 41% of parents say most days they're too stressed to function

• 48% find their stress completely overwhelming most days

• 66% of parents report feeling consumed by worries regarding money compared to 39% of other adults in 2023

This isn't just about us feeling frazzled. Our mental state ripples out, affecting our kids' well-being too. Children of a primary caregiver who reported poor mental health were four times more likely to have poor general health (5.1% vs 1.3%) and two times more likely to have mental, behavioral, or developmental disorders (41.8% vs 21.0%).

A Perfect Storm Of Pressures

What's causing this parental meltdown? It's not just one thing - it's a combination of challenges.

Here are the highlights from the Surgeon General’s report:

Financial strain: Child care prices have grown by approximately 26% in the U.S. in the last decade and one-in-four U.S. parents said there have been times in the past year when they did not have enough money for basic needs.

Technology and social media overload: 53% of parents of adolescents are worried that their child's use of social media could lead to problems with anxiety or depression. And, the pressure to present a perfect family life on social media contributes to parental stress and unrealistic expectations.

Changing family structures: Nearly a quarter of U.S. adults (23%) had a living parent age 65 or older and also either a child under age 18 or an adult child for whom they provide financial support.

Increased work demands: Parents are working more at the home and office. The average employment work hours for parents have increased to an average of 33.5 hours per week. Time spent weekly on primary child care has increased by 40% among mothers and by 154% among fathers (from 2.6 hours in 1985 to 6.6 hours in 2022).

The Invaluable Unvalued Work Of Caregiving

The key factor in this crisis is that we don't value caregiving.

Unpaid household labour doesn't show up in GDP calculations. Whether an employee is a rested patient parent at the end of the day doesn’t impact corporate bottom lines. 

And more so - as individuals, we often put our paid labour over caregiving. Think about it - we will power through the 50th work email but look at the 5th load of laundry as pure drudgery.

The reality is: caregiving struggles don’t directly impact financial outcomes. So making real changes to support us? It's a hard sell.

The Surgeon General's Multi-Pronged Approach

The Advisory didn’t just come with the warnings. It also came with what we can do about it.

The Surgeon General's solution is a "whole-society" approach. They're calling on everyone from policymakers to employers to step up. It's a great roadmap for change and includes:

• A national paid family and medical leave program and ensuring all workers have paid sick time

• Support for parental well-being in the workplace, such as flexible work schedules and access to child care

• Parents to build supportive social connections in communities

• Universal screenings for parental mental health conditions in primary care and pediatric settings

• Mental health data collection and integration to better understand parental behavioral health needs and trends

• Encouraging families and friends to offer practical support, such as assistance with household chores or child care responsibilities

The most significant recommendations was the first on the list. The Surgeon General writes:

“There are important cultural shifts needed in order to make parenting sustainable and to enable parents and caregivers to thrive. First, it's time to value and respect time spent parenting on par with time spent working at a paying job, recognizing the critical importance to society of raising children”.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! What 👏 He 👏 Said 👏!!!!!

The Rule Breaker's Immediate Action Plan

This is all great - we need all the actions above - AND - they are going to take a heck of a long time to come to fruition.

So what can we do right now? We break the rules.

While the world catches up, we can change our world today. Here's how: challenge the conventions that we have accepted as gospel. 

Our world has set up a steaming pile of unrealistic expectations for working parents. 

The rules tell us we need to be superstars at home and work - and much more. They define our sense of self and source of stress.

Instead, Rule Breakers know they are enough. They redefine success on their own terms, prioritizing what truly matters.

There isn’t a one-size fits all answer for what ‘good’ looks like for each of us. For some, it might be slowing down career progression so you can do the 4pm pickups and not be frazzled. For others it might be trimming down extracurriculars. For others, it might be figuring out how to take a break without any justification or guilt.

The key for Rule Breakers is that you intentionally choose your 'good'. 

We can't wait for the world to change - our families need us now.

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The fact that the US Surgeon General put out an advisory warning on parental well-being is a big deal. 

I’ve been writing for a while about the overwhelm working parents feel and how we don’t value caregiving.

So it feels validating to hear the same office that called the world's attention to second-hand smoke say that our world isn't set up for parents to thrive.

This is an important milestone in the massive push to make our world friendly to working parents and… change will take time.

If you don’t want to wait for the world to change, you should join me and other working parents in a few weeks in our peer sessions.

This cohort is nearly filled up (and I’m not sure when the next one is running…) - so if this is at all interesting to you, I’d suggest registering. Or you can reply to this email and we can find a time to talk through any of your questions (I read all the emails I get!)

Working parents: we are enough. We don’t just have to survive parenthood. We can thrive and it starts by breaking the rules. 

Keep well

Jess