Overwhelm
Sharing some self-therapy in case you're in the same boat.
👋 I write about redefining success for overwhelmed working parents. I offer practical wisdom to break society's Rules and create a life that truly fits you.
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I didn’t start flossing my teeth until my late twenties.
Maybe I was behind the times, maybe I had bad dentists. Regardless, I never really started to feel the “this is another thing I need to add to my day” feeling until much later than is recommended by the American Dental Association.
Today, I’m not only worried about me flossing, I’m also conscious of every single day that my 6 and 2 year olds go without pulling a waxed string through their teeth.
Their dentist recommended it and so naturally I feel the need to keep up with my idealized parenting standards of doing what the doctor orders. She also suggested we buy those small plastic flossers you throw out after a single use.
So now I have a crippling dilemma ricocheting in my mind every day. Either I am a bad parent for not getting my kids to floss. Or, I’m a horrible human for polluting the environment with single use plastic.
And this is just one of countless things that rattles in my head daily.
I’ve Got A Case Of Overwhelm
Merriam-Webster defines overwhelm as: “to cover over completely; to overcome by superior force or numbers; or, to overpower in thought or feeling.”
Yep. That feels about right as a working parent.
The number of things that occupy my thoughts every minute of the day is… well… overwhelming.
“Did I switch the laundry?”
“I should update my LinkedIn banner”
“I haven’t returned my friend’s call yet”
“What should we make for dinner when the neighbours come over?”
“I should make that plan to go paddle boarding”
“I gotta get input on my website copy”
“I need to book a mammogram”
Sound familiar?
I could go on but I think with the dental floss story and this list I’ve reached my overshare limit for the day.
The thing is, I know what I am doing to myself. I teach and write about this everyday. And yet, just like the doctor who needs to quit smoking, I have to constantly catch my bad habits.
What’s Going On Here?
Let’s break it down together (‘cause this is SUPER helpful for my own sanity to be writing this out…).
I’m trying to live up to these ideals set up by society.
I *desire* to be that kind of parent who teaches my kids things like flossing their teeth, eating healthy food, and practicing their reading each night.
I *desire* to be that professional that uses every ounce of my potential for impact on our world and personal growth.
I *desire* to be that kind of person that feels rested and healthy and vibrant because I’ve taken care of myself.
BUT - and I’m talking about a proper sized Sir Mix-a-Lot BUT 🍑 - the time and energy required to do all the things I desire is too 👏 darn 👏 much 👏.
It’s actually more than too much - it’s ridiculously-over-the-top-overwhleming.
Channeling My Inner Rule Breaker
I am forgetting some essential learnings from the course I teach on how to be a Rule Breaker.
You see, a Rule Breaker sees these ideals and knows they are impossible to live up to and are a recipe for overwhelm.
A Rule Breaker thinks the following:
Re: Career - I am intentional about the time and energy I give work.
Re: Caregiving - I am realistic about the time caregiving needs and adjust my expectations and schedule accordingly.
Re: Self-care - I am realistic about the time self-care needs and adjust my expectations and schedule accordingly.
They would then look at my list and retort with:
“Did I switch the laundry?” - Set a timer and add that to your list today. This isn’t some throwaway task. It takes time and should be valued and counted in your wins.
“I should update my LinkedIn banner” - Yes, that is needed. When does it need to happen by? Put it on your to-do list for that day and forget about it until then.
“I haven’t returned that friends call yet” - Good point. How about putting that into your calendar for next Tuesday so that it gets done because you know how good you feel after chatting with her. This will force you to deprioritize something else that day and make sure self-care happens.
“What should we make for dinner when the neighbours come over?” - Order pizza or grill burgers. Don’t overthink it because being Betty Crocker isn’t on your Top 3 ideals list right now.
An Important Note
What is intentionally missing from this Rule Breaker mindset is that I need to be more, better or different. I am intentionally avoiding telling myself that I need to implement that hack I heard about streamlining childcare or watch that webinar so I can excel in my career. No siree, Bob! That is just playing into the system that doesn’t serve me.
So, what ideals are you trying to live up to that aren't serving you? What would your inner Rule Breaker say?
Phew. Okay - when I type this out and read what my inner-Rule Breaker tells me I feel less overwhelmed. I can breathe amid this madness of trying to live up to ideals that aren’t my own.
Speaking of the course, a new cohort is coming up in September. The spring cohort was exceptional. Don’t take my word for it. Here’s what one participant wrote 🥰.
If you’re interested, join us. Or respond to this email and we can set up a time to talk about any questions you have.
Till next time, keep well-rounded
✌️
J
P.S. I’m starting to revamp this newsletter. If it isn’t your jam anymore, no hard feelings, you can unsubscribe. If you do find yourself loving it even more, please share it with others. That fils my cup immensely.
Doing pretty well engaging in and valuing the child care / domestic labour this summer, but a nagging case of the professional "shoulds" has kept creeping in, bumps up that sense of overwhelm even when I'm generally hitting my professional targets... Rule Breaker says, keep a clear view of those "internalized societal expectations", don't let them sneak up on you.
PS, hot tip: my dentist says it's fine to wash those "single use" dental floss picks with soap / water, and re-use until they break
It’s crazy how many things come at us every day. I recently started writing down all the things I thought I needed to get done, then writing down what would happen if I didn’t do them. My lists are a lot shorter now.